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Talk:An Exorcism of Sorts/@comment-24101790-20160921063258
Quite a lot of issues here needing review: Capitalization: ""May I come in?" My (my) voice bellowed somewhat and I could hear a crash of furniture from upstairs.", ""We lock him in his room." She (she) whispered, "He stays up all night", ""This is but a vessel I have chosen.(,)" He (he) stated", ""Soon." He (he) started again, "This (this) boy will be mine.", "You are no match! You are nothing! You are lying!" He (he) screamed in agony,", etc. Words ghat continue a sentence after dialogue should not be capitalized as they aren't proper nouns or the start of sentences. Punctuation: ""Father Shayton,(.)" His husky voice was weak and trembled,", ""He's always been a good boy(,)." She (she) pleaded with me", ""We lock him in his room.(,)" She whispered, "He stays up all night"", "Leave us.(,)" I instructed", ""I have to disagree.(comma needed)" I said nonchalantly", ""Your body is disagreeable with you, Beast(,)." I noted with an air of smugness.", ""Soon.(,)" He started again, "This (this) boy will be mine.", ""Then let his spirit break and henceforth mine if you are so powerful.(,)" I replied quietly, "Do (do) it", etc. Remember that dialogue that is interrupted with a comma is considered a continuing sentence. Wording issues: "A crash. A scream later.", "Temptation leads with offering and then the soul.", "No sooner as I said those words that the loud roar of a what sounded like a lion awoke my senses", "A low choking from the boy of ten, as if he was gasping for air.", "Suffering had been accomplished but salvation as well, making the whole point moot now.", etc. I would suggest reading the story aloud to yourself to catch these issues as there are quite a few. I would suggest reading this story aloud to yourself to catch instances of awkward wording. Wording issues cont.: "I kicked him with the sharp part of my hoof and I must have been so irritated at the situation that my hoof (avoid restating words.) broke into his feeble back and got lodged in there.", ""Shayton!" He calls (called) out for my name again", "He begins (began) to shriek as if he was in excruciating pain, fighting his bonds with the tightness and gripping the ropes in effort to block his ears. " etc. Story issues: The largest issue falls on the dialogue of the story. It tends to feel rushed and awkward at times. "I just hope your son can survive through our war." "He's always been a good boy."", "He started again, "This boy will be mine. And there's nothing you can do." Now it was my turn to smile, "Watch and learn, Beast. Even your powers cannot compare to the Word that binds us."", etc. Really tends to feel forced into the story and awkward. Considering the situation, it feels a bit melodramatic and out-of-place. Story issues cont. I also feel like this story would benefit from a lot more detail and focus. Finally the ending could use a bit of re-toolig as it seems a bit anti-climactic. I'd recommend taking this to the writer's workshop for feedback as there are quite few issues here.